I would venture to say that living the life of love is trial by error or errors.  However, in the spirit of the Valentine’s Day holiday, one has to question what does love mean?  Does it have a price?  How much should I love? And, what the heck is love anyway?

As I sat today in class, we discussed the idea of a covenant.  Note here, I said covenant not a contract.  What’s the difference you may be asking?  Well let’s consider this: contracts stipulate conditions in which both parties involved both have to agree and set conditions.  Sometimes contracts are not a benefit to both parties.  A covenant as defined by Dictionary.com online is “an agreement, usually formal, between two or more persons to do or not do something specified.” This is amazing because you are given a choice.  When placed in the context of God and religion, God’s covenant with his people is within his grace and his unending love.   Similarly, when you get married in a spiritual sense, you share a covenant with your partner, which is anything beyond this world, expect if you make a covenant with God.  But, you promise to love each other until death takes you.  There’s that word again, love.

So what does that mean in terms of people?  Simply put: we are in a sense or another little gods ourselves.  We have a choice, we either love or we do not.  To love unconditionally, however, requires on the part of one person’s is to expect nothing in return and to give love ceaselessly.  I truly cannot express or verbally tell you how significant or even amazing this is.  It is one of the pinnacle fundamental principle’s I’ve learned to strive to live in my life – to trust and love, unconditionally each person no matter what may happen.  There is no assurance and there no road map, sorry.

However, let me tell you, it is not easy.  There are times where you want to bang your head on the wall because people seem to not understand this concept.  Love.  It is so alluring and so frustrating all the same time. You ever see the movie or heard of the person that was so blinded by love that they would have done anything or everything for this one single person?  They lose all their senses and go crazy.  Ever had that feeling?  Surprisingly, I’ve demonstrated this love to so many people and yet I find people turn their backs on me or walk away from me.  But still it does not deter me, and I continue to offer my heart and love without price.  Am I a masochist? With some laughter – no, not really so much in that sense that I enjoy the pain or the frustration, but more so it is because I have a gift to loving so freely.  I have a talent of showing others that love is a tremendous force that cannot be reckoned with and not all of us are gifted with it.

Well, how did it come to me, to have this talent in loving?  Honestly, you have to work at it.  Similar to a job or anything else, you maybe gifted at something but you need to hone that skill and practice the gift for it to become useful or even better. Honestly, I am not perfect and sometimes I slip and fall.  This makes me work harder.  I practice loving people and may face rejection so many times that it does more damage to me than I can bare sometimes.   But, over time, I have developed a thick skin.  I can still love despite the pain, and (here’s the kicker) without faking it.  Yes, I know a shocker.  Without faking it?  I really must be crazy.  Some will say I am, but to me it matters not what people think of me, what matters is I live what I preach and actions speak louder than words.  I can sit here and say I love you, but if I cannot demonstrate it then it becomes all for naught.

So how can I be more loving?  First, learn to love yourself – there is no sense for you to love others when you can’t love yourself.  It would defeat the purpose.  Second, learn to love life – living is the most important feeling, if you are not alive you cannot allow the feeling of love to enter your heart.  Third, learn to love something other than yourself – loving something else can be a plant, a pet, something where you have to invest a small part of yourself without sacrificing a huge part but requires a bit of dedication and time.  Fourth, learn to love cheesy love songs – just kidding, but it helps to get examples and motivation of love so choose things that will help you to grow in your loving nature.  Lastly, accept that love is not easy and it will take time.  You have to nurture it and let it grow.  It will not come in two seconds and may not even come for a long while, but in essence the true goal is to try.  Without taking the first steps to try, you will have nothing.  That is pretty much it; love is just trying without giving up.  It’ll be tough and long road.  But! It is not impossible and never give up hope.  You will make mistakes, but you will also find you will succeed.  In closing, I want to say that I love you.  With all my heart and being, I truly do love you.  Whatever that love means to you, so be it, make it as a positive force in your life.  Love in its truest form and endless, unconditional.  That is my covenant with you.

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From the movie V for Vendetta:

“It seems strange that my life should end in such a terrible place, but for three years I had roses and apologized to no one. I shall die here. Every inch of me shall perish. Every inch, but one. An inch. It is small and it is fragile and it is the only thing in the world worth having. We must never lose it or give it away. We must NEVER let them take it from us. I hope that whoever you are, you escape this place. I hope that the worlds turns, and that things get better. But what I hope most of all is that you understand what I mean when I tell you that, even though I do not know you, and even though I may never meet you, laugh with you, cry with you, or kiss you, I love you. With all my heart, I love you.  – Valerie.”

“Be the kind of Woman that when your feet hit the ground each morning the Devil says, “Oh crap! She’s up!”

Sometimes we need to step back and reflect on moments to see if we are going in the right direction, stagnant, or if we need a change.

Personally, I’ve found that I tend to do this fairly often…sometimes enough to drive me insane.  However, I’ve found it helps to keep me in perspective.  I usually tend to look back a lot for more learning’s sake rather than mend on the past.  I want to progress and grow forward.  Sometimes this means breaking down what needs to be acted upon, changed, removed, or leave alone.

It’s not easy because letting go or leaving alone is hard for me because I have some issues with holding on to things.  Yes, I admit, I am one of those people.  But as a growing person, I’ve acknowledged the problem and am learning from it.  The harder you work the sweeter the rewards.  It has been true because I have learned to let some things go over time and when it finally happens, the feeling is like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.  We all have weaknesses and faults we try to work on and that I believe is a sign of growth.

I have decided not to make resolutions but goals this year.  Resolutions are things that we end up feeling like you “have to” do, you resolve yourself, rather than goals that are achievable items where you are motivated to do them.  For example, I am focusing on my fitness abilities this year rather than my weight number, which was what I did last year.  The shift of perspective already has made me feel better about achieving the goal of being able to walk that 5 miles or learning how to swim in the next few months.  With that, it won’t end up being a difficult task nor something where it would disappointment if I don’t succeed.

I hope this brand new year is something that will be memorable to me.  I also have taken the stance to live each moment and never take anything for granted.  Life is too short for one to simply live in regret.  Live like we’re dying as they say.  I hope your new year is wonderful and filled with many blessings.  Take care and much love always!

Asking this particular question is asking if there is a God, it really depends on your perspective and how you define certain components to the question.

One may ask me the question because I’m married.  Right now, we are in our 3rd year and will be running into our 4th in a few months.  We’ve been together for a total of 6 years.  I can even say my brother and sister-in-law have been together 10+ years and have been married for 5 years.  Talk about a long haul.

Here’s the secret to that, there is no secret.  Honestly, it’s a matter of willingness to work hard.  How much are both people willing to compromise, work together, learn something new, and get goals accomplished without sabotaging the individual self?  Sure there are times you want to give up and call it quits, but really true love can withstand the storms and blow over into a new dimension of the relationship, it makes it grow.

How did I know my husband was the one man I wanted to marry?  I didn’t.  I actually haven’t really accepted that he was the one.  It’s more so we’re  right now working together to be “the one” for each other.  There is no ideal and there is no romantic notion about it.  It’s really seeing the person as a person, accepting certain things, and then changing with each day to improve.  My parents would say they knew he was the one because right off the bat when they met him, they liked him.  He was everything the though a man should be for me.  I don’t doubt my parents views because they only want the best for me.  But, it also takes me to be convinced that he was the one.  Here’s the kicker, the romance part develops the more I get to know my husband and uncover things about him.  He’s not perfect and neither am I.  But in our own little way, we seem to find little things that keeps that spark going.

Once when I was in an education class a teacher said in her experience when we develops a relationship with her classroom, it seems each year the dynamics of the room change.  It all depends on the students in the room and how the operate together.  Well, relations are the same way.  No two relationship will ever be the same, nor will a particular relationship ever stay the same.  Change will happen and it’s all in how one accepts and deals with the situation.

My husband compliments me even when I am overweight and not exactly my best.  He cares for me and is willing to do what it takes to make it work.  It doesn’t come out often, but I know he tries.  We think alike, and literally I mean sometimes we’ll have the same thought at the same time.  It’s kinda spooky but it happens.  He is from time to time pulls his share of the work load and yes needs that encouragement most of the time.  But, I can’t complain because he knows when it counts it can be there.  It’s also in the little things he does, like for example how he tucks me in at night because I sleep earlier than he does.

The little things do add up and really it helps.  I can’t guarantee that it’ll last forever because really the future is so unknown and anything could happen.  But, this is more so a way to realistically look at you partner if you’re asking that question.  I would advise to take it even further, ask yourself:

How hard are we willing to work?

Do we share the same goals and beliefs?  How much needs to be done together and how much of it can be done individually?

How to we communicate?

Does he/she make me feel secure or insecure?

When we finally commit and get married, is it a mutual decision or is it because of marriage’s sake?

Do we have a plan together to resolve problems and issues?

The word commitment shouldn’t be scary and should be treated more like a promise.  If you promise to do something, as much as possible you shouldn’t break it.  If you and your partner can do this, then yes I think you could say they are “the one”.  But also be warned, we all change and our concept of “the one” will change over time.  So maybe a better way to put it would be:

Is he/she the one I can see myself growing old with?

Ah, the question probably that plagues us from time to time. The courage to keep going when things are at their worst. For me, it was digging deeper and trying to find that one thing that would pull me away from the darkness and into a better place.

I just finished watching Julie and Julia (an excellent film). I had to pause after watching it because it gave me something that I was lacking. Not a deep and profound thought, mind you, but something in my heart that just stopped and made me feel something. Hope.

Films like Julie and Julia and Amelie seem to speak to me on a not so deeply intellectual level, but more so on a level of empathy and understanding. I see myself in some of the characters. The girl who wants to discover something new about herself. The one that can finally achieve a sense of understanding of her life and what it means to be truly living. The film gave me what I had needed to reinforce in my life, hope to just live and laugh at life. No matter what happens, the positivity of life seems to burn brightest in the darkest of places.

For some, it seems like an impossibility and for others just as easily as taking a breath. However, everyone can learn it and embrace the fullness of hoping for something. It doesn’t have to be material nor does it have to involve another person. Within one’s self, one can find the will and the way to hope that something is out there, waiting for it to be discovered. Some might say this is God, or enlightenment, or a higher existence. True enough, I guess. But for me, it was more of a realization that I put myself where I am. I can easily place myself in a way that would promote misery and pain. Or, I could place myself in the warmth of love and peace. Life is what we choose it to be. In that choosing, we discover what hope means.

I cannot speak for each person but for me I would say my hope is the talent to feel so alive and full of energy that it promotes me to be well and at peace. My life will never be perfect nor should anyone think it would be. But that hope is what sustains that idea, that I can have a wonderful life. In fact, any one can have a wonderful life. I hope.

Well, I have been working very hard to improve my situation.  Right now, I have working to go back to school to further my knowledge and studies.  I have always loved being a student.  Learning and knowledge have always given me such joy.  I love understanding human behavior but also how we operate as beings.  I have debated about going back to school to get a degree in Philosophy, Psychology, Neuroscience, or something else.  Finally, I have been able to find a passion and a drive to learn.  Why not study it all?  No limits, no hesitations.  Life is mine for the taking and there is nothing I cannot do, only what I hinder myself from doing.

I’ve learned how to play the piano since the age of 6.  I’ve sung and learned how since I was in elementary school.  I’ve learned various subjects in school and mastered how to balance life.  I’ve learned how to cook and bake wonderful food.  I’ve learned how to communicate with people.  I’ve learned how to teach.  A man even said that I am truly a renaissance person.  And why not?  Why not go for it?  Why not becoming multi-faceted and multi-talented?  I can do it and I shall do it.

So as much as a break is needed here and there, it seems I am tied to this project.  I hope to continue my endeavors and glean from them a better understanding of my world and myself.

I once feared loneliness like a horrid plague that didn’t deserve to have a chance to be a part of my life.  It was this ominous feeling that was forbidden and even loathed.  I think that’s what society places us to think that it is something negative.

Recently, I took time to be alone.  I was alone for a long period of time.  Being a romantic, it was painful to see people walk around together hand and hand, smiling, kissing, and being in love.  Long songs would make me feel wistful and tug at my heart.  I would for a certain period of the time daydream of the moment I had found Mr. Right and spend eternal bliss with him.  Well, so much for daydreams.  I grew up still alone for a good deal of my life and even more so felt alone when I was dating people.  It was an awful feeling and one that made me pause.

Surviving a breakup is horrible and left me scarred in certain ways.  I had to rebuild myself to learn what “love” was really all about.  I quickly learned it wasn’t the romanticized notion of being in love with someone but something deeper and profound.  I had to learn to love myself, with that I had to learn to be alone.  I read a book where the author talked about learning to be alone.

Being alone isn’t a horrible ordeal, in fact it’s a guaranteed fact that you will be alone at some point in your life.  The author after having found the man of her dreams quickly felt the cold grasp of loneliness set in after he dead shortly of cancer.  It left her bereft and lost.  She quickly picked up the pieces and learned to love herself.  In loving herself, she began to feel secure and understand herself.  Loneliness began to give way to love.

Loneliness for me has turned in the same direction.  The times I was alone, I learned more about myself that I had ever when I was with someone.  I learned what makes me laugh, cry, and even just at peace.  I learned to take care of myself and really show appreciation for who I was and what I had.  When I started dating, I slowly began to ignore those wonderful things about myself that I started criticizing and tearing myself apart just to, what I thought in my mind would, please that other person.  Luckily, my husband took me away from that and has helped me regain my confidence and love myself again.

If I hadn’t met my husband, I think I still would have learned to love myself and be gracious in terms of treating myself well.  I don’t mean I could become vain but more so I would have taken time to get to know my inner self but also appreciate things about who I am that makes me a wonderful person.  Things like how I am able to smile at people, how I am strong, how I can show love to everyone, and be thankful in the process.  I think we are very critical of ourselves when we least know ourselves.  We begin to compare and set ourselves up against these ideals that we place on ourselves.  We don’t learn that we need to take a step back and think that we are human, it is only right to want to do better but to accept that at times we need to be okay with what we got, even if that means being alone.  It’s not a death sentence and certainly won’t kill you.  It gives you the freedom to do what you need to do.  Balancing your freedom with another person is much more tricky and requires work.

In the end, loneliness doesn’t have to be a horrid affair.  But, in truth, it can be our best ally especially when it deals with our self.

My life has been riddled with hardships.  The concept is not new, since I was young I had to deal with so many issues and trials that at this point anything that comes my way is nothing.  From living with someone who has a physical disability, to parents getting sick, to myself being sick, I did it all and came away better each time.  I don’t really know the source of my courage, but I can say it has probably many aspects.

One is I’ve inherited it as a legacy to pass down to my children.  My parents had instilled never saying “I can’t” and always having faith.  My brothers taught me to be strong.  My life exploration has led me with education and thought to realize that I have the abilities to do what I want if I set myself to doing it.  I firmly believe anyone can do it as well.

Now let’s be realistic, if a person says he wants to be a millionaire, it won’t happen overnight unless by pure luck you hit the mega-millions in one shot.  But even then, you have to put in to get results.  It’s the same with life, what we want in life we need to put forth effort.  Sometimes it’ll take several times before you get it, sometimes it’ll only take a few times.  The point is to never give up.  Balancing hard work with acceptance is key.  How to do that?  It’s not easy to say honestly.  One can say well that’s impossible, true enough.  However if you look around you how was it possible that the earth manages to sustain life when really it has the power to unleash natural disasters that could wipe out every living thing?

I think the best advice for that is to make yourself aware of who you are.  What are your strengths, what are your weaknesses?  I certainly had to take some time to figure it out and even now am still trying to tweak and relearn and still try to understand myself.  I think in that process I have learned the skills I need to overcome my weaknesses.  For example, I didn’t overcome clinical depression through drugs.  I chose to do it without it.  Was it hard?  Hell, yes it was.  Did it work?  Not always 100% of the time.  Didn’t you want to give up?  Yes, but I told myself I made this choice and I need to do it.

I’ll post more about that whole thing later but the whole point is that this is an affirmation that you can do anything you set your mind.  If you really want to be happy, it can happen.  It is not impossible.  The same can be said for relationships, health, wealth, anything.  Thing is to not give up when it gets rough.  Think of it more like a challenge, if you didn’t have any you wouldn’t appreciate nor gain anything if you don’t have it in your life.

As I am waiting for my CT Scan appointment, I have been strong and trying to have a positive outlook.  However, being human also means that as much as I tell people to be happy and not worry, I on the other hand am not so upbeat all the time.  Today seems to be one of those days where lifting my head up seems to be a monumental task.  I feel sad and scared.  Sometimes, we need to say to ourselves, that’s okay.  It’s normal to feel that way.  It takes more strength to keep the positivity and have faith that good things will happen.

I think what I fear the most is that I still have yet to face regrets and being unable to tell a few people how sorry I was in my past.  I was never the perfect person and at times I think we hurt people without knowing it.  I may have offended others or driven them away from me due to whatever reason.  For those people, I would like to tell them how much I learned from that mistake and ask for forgiveness.  Does it mean I’ll get it?  No, unfortunately it is by choice of those people.  I can only in my heart resolve to forgive myself.  But, I’ll make the efforts and try.  Then, at the end of the day be okay with whatever the result is, whether they do forgive or not.  I have done what I could and that’s all I can do.

So yes, we are all human and if you feel or think that I’m superwoman, I have to laugh and say, “oh, I so wish”.  But realistically, no I am just like you.  I have my strengths and weaknesses.  Today seems to be one of those days and really I’m okay with it.  I’m allowed to cry and take deep breaths.  However, tomorrow seems to be another day and if I’m fortunate enough to make it, hopefully the sadness will pass and things will right themselves.  No matter what, I’m okay with it.

Hi everyone!

I can only hope that things will go well for me and that these few moments will make me into a better person in the future. Compared to where I was before, this new attitude and perspective in life has been so life transforming. I am taking what I’ve been given and working my best with it.
I love each and everyone of you dearly and felt I owed it to you to explain myself. This is all I got, and I gotta live like I’m dying – no regrets and no remorse anymore.
Many blessings and love always.

Now, being an educated person, I know I should know better.  However, I still feel that gut feeling of not feeling adequate enough or I begin the vicious comparison of what things I lack that doesn’t make me “look great”.

Beauty has been a word that has some heavy meaning behind it.  Everyone wants to feel and be beautiful.  Look at the amount of awe and idealizing we give to made up celebrities that capture our attention.  We all have seen videos and pictures of “Stars without Makeup” and yes they do look very much like a regular person.  So why are we still left to feel inadequate when we see a magazine photo of them?

I have always felt this.  I always had put myself down.  So how did I get over it?  I didn’t, but I learned how to change my perceptions so that it doesn’t sting as much.  I think I will always be critical about how I see things.  I will always admire those who are made up and look fabulous.  I always compare what I am lacking.  But, I also started to see similarities that I have with that person.  I have nice long hair, I have great eyes, and I have a strong body that I can use to help people.

The other thing I realized was that I don’t know these people.  Are they smarter than I am?  Are they more generous? Are they just as insecure?  The truth is being that we all are human, we all have faults.  It is natural and yes as much as beauty is a worshiped trait it also masks the true reality of the way things really are.

I did have to go through therapy and counseling because I was cutting myself down so much and was so harsh that I never saw the better aspects of my qualities.  I focused solely on my faults and imperfections.  I forgot that I had a true reason to be grateful.  I lived with someone who had a physical disability.  I forgot to celebrate the fact that I had two strong legs that allow me to walk.  I forgot that people who are under going cancer treatments have lost their hair and can only wish to have long flowing hair that I have.  People would die to have the ability to look younger than they really are (and well I have to admit this is due to genetics mostly and I’ll post something about age later).  I had forgotten.

When my counselor pointed out to me how much I was strong and healthy and alive, my view of myself began to change.  She even told me once, “Did you know  in some countries they actually find bigger women attractive and ideal as a mate?”  Never occurred to me and made me realize that the differences we have can actually be an asset and not a hindrance. Now when I look into the mirror I still may see the little details that I need to work on but I also tell myself that I have good bits as well.  For every criticism I give myself, I have to give myself a compliment.  It works, I work to improve myself but at the same time I celebrate the good things as well.  I believe everyone can do this, male or female.  We can work on things we don’t like about ourselves but we can also enjoy the things that are assets to our lives.